So Sorry

Songs for the Broken-Hearted:

Feist, Feist and more Feist.

I met him as a casual acquaintance while I was still in school. Met him again right after school, and struck up a friendship which evolved into a two year relationship. I lived with him for more than one of those years. We had some hard and turbulent times in the beginning, since we were both involved in heartfelt relationships not long prior to dating one another. Between the two of us, there's plenty of emotional baggage.

I thought we worked through it all. I met his parents and spent some time with them, and vice versa.

We were very different people in a lot of ways. He grew up the son of a former preacher, in a conservative Southern household and loves all things fried and racquetball. More recently, he also loves most things beerpong related. I grew up in Taiwan and the US, the child of a pretty progressive thinking and strong hearted woman and the emotionally unavailable architect whom she divorced when I was 5. I like crafts and fine arts. Used to wax philosophical on life with friends for fun.

I like communication and expression feelings, especially in close relationships. I tend to say things that are often passing thoughts in my head, like doubts about my relationship with him, anger at a small inconvenience, and so on, out loud when I'm with him. I feel comfortable. My inner dialogues exposed. He bottles. His closest friends and family don't know his real troubles of the heart. He thinks it burdens them.

So in all, since he doesn't talk about it, no one really knows who he is. I doubt he knows the answer himself.

Point is, he dumped me two weeks ago. I gave him my heart, and he gives it back to me broken in two. He got a promotion to move to a city two and half hours away. We said we'd try to work it out. He was my world then. I wanted to come home to see him, hug him, tickle him every night after work. I'm not the domestic type, and have feminist tendencies. I'd cook dinner for him and massage his back, even through complaints that he should go to a chiropractor, hell, I'd pay for him to go to one. It made me happy when he was happy.

He told me no longer feels the same way about me. He still loves me, but is no longer in love with me. Apparently this has happened in all his past long term serious relationships. The fires of romance just dies, without explanation. it's been three months since he started feeling this way, he just didn't know how to tell me. He wanted not to hurt me. He also wanted not to regret his decision.

I asked him why? How did this come to be? He didn't have an answer. He did say, though, that I blew him away. I was the most generous and caring person he's ever been with. It scared him that someone (me) can love him this much, when he doesn't deem himself worth loving. He can't figure out why. I can't figure out why. If I'm so great, why doesn't he love me like he used to anymore?

I have been coping with the situation by telling everyone I know whom I think will listen. My analysis is this, he is just a very inward person who might never know what it feels like to completely open themselves to extreme vulnerability by loving unconditionally. He has accrued quite a bit of debt, with school and car loans and credit payments and all. I realize now, that his first priority in life was to pay off his debt, make and save some money, and then go back to law school. Actually, all he can think of now is paying off his debt. I was there to provide emotional outlet and love and support for him. I don't think I was ever as high in his list of priorities as I had wanted to be. He also gets very defensive about comments I make toward him. He doesn't like being told things he doesn't think is true. He likes to avoid confrontation at all cost. Debate, constructive criticism, discussion = argument to him.

None of his relationships have lasted for more than 2 years. Ours was the longest, at almost exactly 2 years. I didn't see it coming. Although I often wonder how our relationship surivived thus long, we being such different ppl and all, and have lots of communication issues. My feelings for him has died down fromt he happy, fuzzy puppy dog love honey moon stage to a comfortable level of deep care. I had thought to myself that i can see myself really settling down with this person. He always tried to dote on me. Avoid arguments. The last couple months I thought were the happiest in my memory of the relationship. I thought he had changed, became more thoughtful, and cared for me more. He bought me more presents, apologized in arguments more readily, and seem more willing to at least attempt to talk about issues we might be having. In hindsight, that was his attempt to make me happy, hoping that seeing me happy will rekindle his feelings and fall in love again.

My close friends had all just moved away from me. All moved across the country. He has lied to me before, a year ago. I was going through a depressive stage, and cried and threw tantrums often. He went away to visit friends for July 4th. Came back a little strange and distant. After a particularly sad night for me, he came over to my place and comforted me, hugged me and told me that I'm worth it. Later that night I found out he had met a girl while away and had been texting and phoning each other. He told her he couldn't get her out of his head. He also called her right after he left me that night. Apparently, emotional infedelity does not constitute cheating in his book. After that incident, we worked it through, and I made me promise he would never lie to me again. And if for any reason he doesn't feel for me anymore, he should let me know asap, unlike his ex-girlfriends.

Anyways, just getting out steam. What's the point of staying upset and angry and lamenting the past. I want to say, fuck it, this man is not even worth being friends with. He's lied majorly one too many times. Or should I be resilient, and think, well, we are still one each other's closest friends, ones who know each other's daily complaints. Just let it be, forgive his past and know that this is the type of person he is. Can't change him, just accept him. I should still try to give my all in love and care, whether it now be maintaining a friendship with this man or perhaps person in my future. I just have to learn to let go and bounce back when need be. It is too much work to hang on to sadness. My instincts didn't fail me. He really doesn't love me the same way I had loved him, and I was right not to feel like I can trust him Completely. Turned out i was right all along.

Time heals all wounds. I'll try to use that time wisely.