Pim

That's the brand of those yummy little European cookies one would find at the grocery store from time to time. Also the name of the woman whose blog I adore. Check out her site here: Chez Pim

Had a plesant lunch today at the Carolina Club. My very kind boss, the art librarian, took the four graduating members of the library staff for a farewell meal. I'm apparently not the only one lost for direction for where to go after graduation, which is kind of good to know.

Three out of the five of us ordered the same dish of tea encrusted salmon with asparagus and cauliflower mash.
The salmon was tasty, though I don't know if the crushed tea leaves coating it did anything to improve the fish's flavor. We couldn't resist the temptation of the dessert cart, and shared a mixed berry cobbler, chocolate silk pie (which had a texture more like mousse than silk) and a slice of the signature key lime pie with a pistachio crust. None of the pies or cobbler was especially spectacular, but the whipped cream on the keylime pie was quite good.

I heart Three Cups coffee/tea shop. They have very friendly service. There's a sandwich place adjoining Three Cups that is scheduled to open next week. That's even more reason for me to frequent the place.

Speaking of friendly service, I treated myself to a leisurely solo lunch at Talullas on Tuesday and left my very nice waiter a thank you note for his service.

Then later on that day I chopped some of my hair off, again. So now I have short bangs, and not a lot of hair. I think I look a little boyish, although I have gotten many compliments on the haircut. I think I was a pretty good walking billboard today for Moshi Moshi, the salon I visited for the cut; I've gotten many inquiries about the place. I miss my hair. And messy pigtails and braids.

Must write paper. I must be addicted to peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches. *munch*


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The season of pollen and sneezes

It is lovely, waking up to bright sunshine, blooming flowers and a thick coat of yellow particles called pollen encasing one's car. Especially lovely if the person happens to have hay fever and would turn into a sneezing coughing crying runny-nosed mess if she breathes in too much pollen. Yay spring.

Spent eight of the last twenty-four hours sleeping, two of those hours eating and six hours driving. Went home to Charlotte late last night for a mediocre dinner, slept then drove back to Chapel Hill this morning.

Make no mistakes, there was nothing mediocre about the food served last night. It just lacked the interesting conversations, laughs and giggles, leisurely pace of eating and of course, desserts. So it was just an ingestion of well-prepared food, lacking the qualities of a truly good meal.

Menu:

• Sea cucumbers with scallions and ginger in a dark soy/garlic sauce
• braised fatty pork and pickled bamboo shoots
• stir-fried broccoli with garlic
• stir-fried cabbage with garlic
• shredded pork with julienned bamboo shoots, pickled mustard greens,marinated firm tofu and green onions
• fu-gian style fish balls in clear broth

Apparently that was an especially festive menu to celebrate the rare occasion of me coming home. Sea cucumbers, not something one would see on the table everyday.

My step-brother has somewhat "bling-ed" my car and rice-ified it a bit more than I'd like. He put a pair of super bright xenon headlights on it, making my little Honda one of those much hated cars that shoot out blinding beams at unfortunate cars in front of them. I drove with my bright new lights last night, and felt like every other car around wanted to race me. On the upside, it is an advantage to have a mechanic in the family. Free car-fixin. Wee.

Mom is still sick, and I think overdosing a little on pain killers to help with this mysterious pain. The doctors still don't quite know what's wrong with her; it's been two months. This is depressing matter that I try not to think about.

It's been a pretty intense couple months, of deaths and illness, academic stress and life worries. I think I'm just beginning to come through the fog of a more than mild depressive period. Hopefully my mood will brighten with the increasingly beautiful (though a bit too warm) weather.

I finally heard from unnamed person of far far away, whom I heart. Really hasn't been that long since I last heard from him, little less than a month ago. Feel guilty for sending him many babbling emails and tried, unsuccessfully, to cut said person out my life. Not anyone's fault, just coincidentally bad timing of stressful events.

If person is reading this, I sincerely apologize for ramblings and negative feelings.

Due to little contact, I'll just leave that part of my life alone too, for now, and try not to think about it much.

Not the ostrich approach of burying head in the sand. Just whatever it takes to cope with the hurdles one come across in life.

Hungry, once again. Looking forward to having tasty and comforting Indian food tonight.

[LCD Soundsystems - Tribulations]

Chocolate Fudge Cake

Nigella Lawson's recipe for Chocolate Fudge cake includes this serving suggestion: "Serves 10. Or 1 with a broken heart."

How true. Girl with broken heart agrees.

Made chocolate mousse last night. It is surprisingly easy, and very delicious. Also found a recipe for chocolate and honey mousse which I'm eager to try.

Yummm... mousse.

On the satisfaction of setting things on fire

Burned a few things today - letters, postcards, photos, incense cones and cigarettes. Not books though, that would be sacriligious. It feels nice to have one's own cleansing bonfire. Almost wish I had more things to burn, as if the flames could wash away all my negative karma.

Makes me think of the improvised mudbrick ovens we used to make on the spot, on the bank across the stream from my grandparents'. We would stuff it full of sweet potatoes, freshly shucked corn and grill large salt and pepper prawns on the open flame near the top of the oven. Yum.

Off to burn more things. I'm not an arsonist, swear.

Hump day Wednesday.

Last night was great fun. I went to Aditi’s birthday celebration at Carmichael. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the girls and I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I saw them again. It felt like good ole UNITAS hall dinner for a while: a circle of people crowded around wooden tables full of food (the highlights of which were tiramisu contributed by Spencer and the vegan chocolate cake from George.)

We went out to Fuse after fooding, about ten of us. Somehow the number grew by at least 50% an hour after we got to the bar. It really made me miss UNITAS, and the sort of gossip/drama/bonding which happens on the hall. Everyone seemed so nice, especially after a few drinks. Aditi in particular was very, um, friendly toward everyone. *wink wink.*

That’s what I’ve been missing, socializing. Living off-campus and seclusion-prone, I spend too much time in my bright yellow and warmly decorated “hole.”

I now have a picture of a naked man having what seems to be anal sex over my bed. It’s rather suggestive, and mostly concealed. You only get to see the guy’s bent back, and the hand of another man pressing him to the bed. Courtesy of Nan Goldin’s book, The Devil’s Playground. The other naked person picture in the room is a fat lady from a book titled Lucian Freud: Naked Portraits. I’d like a wall taped full of tastefully done naked people- from fleshy nudes to frail figures, the whole range.

A cup of Lady Grey tea with a spoonful of Langnese country cream honey and grapefruit marmalade. “Moroccan spice” smoking in the incense burner. Hopefully the combination of all of the above will facilitate writing the still overdue 5-pager.

Interesting, and frightening at the same time. This is from the menu of a feast hosted by Trimalchio, way way back in the day: “Porcus Troianu: The famous ‘Trojan Pig’: an entire steer gutted and stuffed with a lamb, which is stuffed with a pig, which is stuffed with a chicken. Sauce au jus.”

Banana pudding then homework.

Random thoughts.

I don't know if I would call these aspirations, but wouldn't it be terribly nice to have some sort of a "sugar daddy." I think that would put me in the position of something like a gold-digger. What's love worth anyway? It causes heartaches. Treating relationships like business deals, minimalizing the role of emotion is much more tangible, less hurtful and puts money in the bank.

An ex-girlfriend of my handicapped (paralyzed from the waist down) step-brother is now one of the hottest actresses in Taiwan. She also has a throng of wealthy corporate CEOs fighting to make her their mistress. She has her pick of diamonds and luxury apartments offered to her on a plate. In exchange, she'll give them company (hot sex) and the prestige of having a glamorous and much coveted woman on their arms.

Just thoughts. I'm a dreamer and a romantic in the guise of materialistic cynic.

So the Tar Heels won the NCAA championship. (Go Heels!) And then Alli W's car broke down on our way to Franklin street. Stuck in the middle of the road. At half past midnight, we walked half an hour to Franklin. Saw the craziness, had a drink, then came home. I have a 5 pager I haven't started. I'm broke and in debt and spent most of my money on food. And all the more on food because I have been binge eating as a result of mild depression/stress. Ah, but it's food. And good food. Brioche pate chocolate peanut butter cream honey and cheese. And garlic and asparagus. And more. Not bad not bad.

More depressing thoughts, here's a list of people I know who has died within the last year: grandfather, mom's god-father, mom's best friend's mother-in-law, aunt's father-in-law, mom's friend Margaret's 22yr old daughter. And the only bright streak that's blessed this apartment as of late, Miss Alli G got highest honors on her senior thesis. Woo-hoo!!!

What lovely, somewhat disastrous evening. (make that a somewhat disastrous life). In the words of Mara the librarian, I'm a mess. *sigh*

Gnocchi parisienne with rosemary, basil oregano and garlic

Yummy recipe, but only moderately successful, since I wasted about 1/3 of the batter... not to mention constraints of not having neither a proper saucepan nor a pot. What came through in the bath was pretty good, if not a bit cold from sitting on the side of the stove for so long. Would make it again for sure, and I think I'll have a much better handle on making nicely formed gnocchis next time. Might get a pastry bag to make things easier. Hopefully the food will receive a higher mark than "squishy thing, tastes good."

I think I gained back what little weight I lost in France. Binge eating tendences seem to resurface whenever I come back to the states, or maybe a little stressed from having things to do after coming back from vacations.

A bit tired. Got less than three hours of sleep last night. Ideally, sleep would be an optional luxury; would leave much time for getting things done if I sleep a little less.

Thanks to everyone who asked about my mother. She's still about the same, and in pain. My step father really is quite good to her, and me as well. Really shouldn't take him for granted.

I lied. (personal baggage, read at own risk)

And I ran out of chocolate.

Never got around to Renaissance reading, and room is only half way clean. Perhaps I become too distracted in my efforts to multi-task: clean a little here, sew a little there, interspersed with text and quite a bit of crying.

Live life, let love and appreciate all the special people and things in one's life lest they disappear the next moment. It is a waste to dwell on one's personal sadness when the energy can be used to make someone else happy. All phrases which belong in the "easier said than done" category. Mom says them to me all the time now, while sighing over lost love ones.

She still needs an MRI, but disputes between worker's comp/insurance is preventing her from doing so. Our family doctor says she might need surgery. It's painful to listen to her describe her pain to me on the phone. I think she's worried about me as well, being able to take care of myself right out of college in case she will be unable to support me if she lost her job. She hasn't been able to work for a month. Our family has a history of arthritis and cancer, I hope she doesn't have the latter as well. She's trapped in bed, sitting up and moving about is so painful it makes her cry. Otherwise she's sedated with pain medication. She feels useless, and I'm useless to help her. Stupid medical bureaucracy.

I feel lost and infinitely inept. Also afraid to go home, afraid of becoming a sobbing useless mess when I get there and to look again at the reality of her illness. I feel somewhat trapped as well, immobilized by the tugging of many things- my desire to do well in school and my artwork, what I can do for mother, need to find a job and direction after college and so on.

In writing down the thoughts floating through my head, I think I've lost my point, and am getting rather hungry.

Why am I posting such intimate issues in a public space? Trying to avoid throwing my excess emotional baggage in any one person's way?


I'm buying another bottle of wine.

Easter Weekend

Feeling rather vulnerable. Still reading In the Devil's Garden and working toward reading about Renaissance architecture.

Mom's still sick, and resting in bed, while going through physical therapy three times a week. Going home this weekend to see how she's doing, and to make her food. Dealing with my mother is particularly difficult, as she seems to choke me with an invisible web of emotional obligations everytime I speak to her. Not to blame her though, in light of recent events: her father passed away this past summer, and just the beginning of this week, her god-father also left this world. I have never met my grandfather on my biological father's side, so mom's god-father was like a second grandfather to me. When mom and I were in Taipei, we would have big family dinners with their family all the time. In my last memory of him -I think he was around 70- he was still strong, wielding his dark wooden cane to discipline obnoxious grandkids. He had a good hand, and wrote beautiful calligraphy. He took a cup of jasmine tea and a piece of sweet Chinese sha chi ma cake for breakfast, and a stroll around the nearby park every morning. I went along on some of those morning walks, usually as the silent grandchild intimidated by the man who once ordered me off the dinner table for holding my chopsticks incorrectly.

Upsetting. Want to talk to somebody about personal frustrations, without burdening them with my problems. Someone not overly optimistic, not overly sympathetic; someone who is an ernest listener but realistic enough to tell me that such is the course of life. (Sincerest thanks to the wonderful person I talked to the other day, for your open ears and genuine support, and for everyone who cares.)

This state of mild sadness is nothing a hot bath, clean room and good chocolate can't fix.

In the Devil's Garden

Found a recipe for Banana ketchup in Stewart Lee Allen's In the Devil's Garden:

1 dried ancho chile
6 very ripe bananas, peeled and cut into chunks
1 1/3 cups cider vinegar, divided
1/2 cup raisins, preferably golden
1/3 cup coarsely chopped onions
2 garlic cloves
2/3 cup tomato paste
2 cups water
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon chili pepper
2 teaspoons ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon grated nugmeg
Big pinch ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
Big pinch of black pepper
6 tablespoons dark rum

1)Soak ancho chile in warm water for 15 minutes. Remove the stem and seeds.

2)Puree the bananas with 1/2 cup vinegar and put into a heavy saucepan. Puree raisins, onions, garlic, ancho chile, tomato paste, and remaining vinegar in the same processor and add to saucepan.

3)Add 2 cups water to the saucepan. Stir and bring mixture to simmer over medium heat, then reduce to low and simmer uncovered for an hour. If mixture becomes too thick, add water to dilute.

4)Add the corn syrup and sugar and all the spices, including salt and pepper, and simmer for another 30-40 minutes, or until it leaves a thick coating on the back of a spoon. Stir in the rum.

5)Remove from heat and allow to cool. Puree again and strain through a fine sieve to remove solids. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to two weeks.

Sounds interesting.

Stumbled across an almost lewd episode of food porn from "chez pim" yesterday, detailing her 10+ course meal at French Laundry, complete with a picture for almost every course.

Now reading about food+sex+chocolate in Allen's book, and contemplating culinary orgies.

Back to work.

Day trip to Lyon

The following are some pictures of our day trip to Lyon while in France for spring break. It is all about the food. Thanks to Lili for the professional enthusiasm with which she documented the sights.


More fruits

Basilica de... j'oublie

Lili and her bags of fresh fruit

Lili and Brian by the river

the wobbly bridge

The stairs to the basilica

View of Lyon

Bread and sausages

Fruits

Um... endives