I lied. (personal baggage, read at own risk)

And I ran out of chocolate.

Never got around to Renaissance reading, and room is only half way clean. Perhaps I become too distracted in my efforts to multi-task: clean a little here, sew a little there, interspersed with text and quite a bit of crying.

Live life, let love and appreciate all the special people and things in one's life lest they disappear the next moment. It is a waste to dwell on one's personal sadness when the energy can be used to make someone else happy. All phrases which belong in the "easier said than done" category. Mom says them to me all the time now, while sighing over lost love ones.

She still needs an MRI, but disputes between worker's comp/insurance is preventing her from doing so. Our family doctor says she might need surgery. It's painful to listen to her describe her pain to me on the phone. I think she's worried about me as well, being able to take care of myself right out of college in case she will be unable to support me if she lost her job. She hasn't been able to work for a month. Our family has a history of arthritis and cancer, I hope she doesn't have the latter as well. She's trapped in bed, sitting up and moving about is so painful it makes her cry. Otherwise she's sedated with pain medication. She feels useless, and I'm useless to help her. Stupid medical bureaucracy.

I feel lost and infinitely inept. Also afraid to go home, afraid of becoming a sobbing useless mess when I get there and to look again at the reality of her illness. I feel somewhat trapped as well, immobilized by the tugging of many things- my desire to do well in school and my artwork, what I can do for mother, need to find a job and direction after college and so on.

In writing down the thoughts floating through my head, I think I've lost my point, and am getting rather hungry.

Why am I posting such intimate issues in a public space? Trying to avoid throwing my excess emotional baggage in any one person's way?


I'm buying another bottle of wine.